The Signs As John Mulaney Quotes
Aries: And he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.
Taurus: Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken!
Gemini: Shut up! You’re all gonna die.
Cancer: Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk.
Leo: I try to stay optimistic, even though I must admit, things are getting pretty sticky.
Virgo: Just raise your hand and be like “I think Emily Dickson’s a lesbian!” and they’re like “Partial credit”
Libra: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.
Scorpio: 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.
Sagittarius: There is a horse loose in a hospital!
Capricorn: Something happened here. You hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.
Aquarius: I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.
Pisces: I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back.
